“It’s not fair! I’m so lonely, and I’m stuck at home instead of in school!”
“I’m just curious to see if I could make it—if I could do the work, and fit in with the school kids.”
“High school is an important time to see how I fit in with the world!”
“How can I be a witness to others if I’m home schooled? You should let me go to school where I can help others.”
“You don’t know how I feel about this. It’s really important to me, and I know it’s what I should be doing—it’s what I want!”
Sound familiar?
I talk to so many wonderful moms—and dads, too—who are in a quandary about sending their adolescents to high school. “She wants to go to school, and I just don’t know what to do about that.”
Often as children reach the age of about 13, they begin to question their parents about why they are being home schooled, and sometimes criticize that decision and ask, cajole, or beg… to enter the school system.
I was one of those 13 year olds. My parents brought me out of school (I begged to come home) when I was in the middle of grade 3, but by grade 9, I was singing a different tune. Most of the above statements were ones I used to try to convince my parents of the “wisdom” of putting me into the local high school. I tried to convince them that I did in fact know what was best for my life, and used every tactic from tears to shouts, begging to debating, to try to win my case.
I lost...and I’m so incredibly glad I did.
My parents recognized something that I, as a 13-and-a-half-year-old, did not. They were my parents, and with that role came the responsibility for deciding my welfare. I did not agree with them, no, they had to put up with many mood swings and different coercion attempts on my part, but they stood firm. They told me that their job was to know what was right for me. My father told me, “When you recognize the fact that we know best, then you will be mature enough to do as you wish.” Implicit in that, of course, is that as soon as I recognized their wisdom, I would no longer want to do something that they didn’t want me to do.
They stuck to their guns, even though it meant having an ongoing battle that dragged through a whole year and more. I would let it go for a while, confident that I would eventually win out once I could find the right argument. That never happened, and by early grade 10 I had accepted their decision, and applied myself diligently to my schoolwork, hoping to reach my goal of completing 3 grades in 2 years and attending college with my good friends. (Not friends I met in school, but ones from my church and youth group community.)
By the time I reached 17, I had experienced life in a way I never would have in school, met my graduation goal, and was accepted into post secondary. I looked at many of my would-be “friends” still struggling through grade 12 in the local high school, saw their detrimental drinking and incessant partying, their uncertainty of the future and their true loneliness, and I thanked my parents. I praised their determination to let integrity win, to make the right choices in their God-given role as parents. I saw then the true wisdom of their decision to keep me home through high school.
I will not darken the doorway of a high school with my own children, no matter the battle.
I know that many of you will at some point face the challenge of this battle of wills with your adolescent. Here are the answers to those questions I asked… and that you may hear from your youth as well:
“It’s not fair! I’m so lonely, and I’m stuck at home instead of in school!”
Sometimes loneliness is the best opportunity for growth. I did not have a large peer group of friends when I was 13-14, and thus was not negatively influenced by them. This stage of development was then influenced most by my parents. By the time I found a group of friends, they were committed Christians, many of them home schooled, and I saw them only once or twice a month, leaving ample time to grow at home within the guidance of my parents.
“I’m just curious to see if I could make it—if I could do the work, and fit in with the school kids.”
At this very impressionable age, curiosity really will kill the cat. A teen who is preoccupied with “fitting in” will bend the rules—and bend over backwards—to be accepted by whatever crowd will have them. Good intentions fall away in the face of peer pressure. As to the academic question, assure your child that, with their help you are able to give them an education far superior to that in a typical school. Help them to find their vision for their education, and then help you plan their curriculum and schedule, so they are meeting their goals as well as yours.
“High school is an important time to see how I fit in with the world!”
It’s true that early adolescence is the prime time for a young adult to learn how they relate to the world. Nurture that natural curiosity by discussing the world’s current events, and seeing how those happenings affects each of us. Get them involved in their community; working a bake sale for a charity, visiting the elderly and listening to their stories, taking part in county fairs or the farmers’ market, maybe doing some babysitting of the ‘school kids’ of some neighbors, and discussing the attitudes that show up in even the youngest of these. Show them how they fit in with the whole world, not the limited experience they would have with fitting in to a peer group.
“How can I be a witness to others if I’m home schooled? You should let me go to school where I can help others.”
Just as you would never consider planting a seedling outside before it is mature enough, you shouldn’t consider sending your children out into the world before they are ready. A seedling needs careful attention and nurturing in the greenhouse for some time, or else it will not bear fruit nearly as soon. In some cases, a seedling transplanted too early, or even just left outside one night – will succumb to the elements and never thrive at all. I caution all parents about the danger of counting on an adolescent to stand firm, when they are just at the point of finding out who they are and what they believe. Have your child stand on a chair, and then have them try to pull you up on the chair with them, while you simultaneously try to pull them off the chair. Who wins? That same struggle will play itself out every day when your young adult is in a group of people who are at odds with them morally, spiritually, and even academically.
“You don’t know how I feel about this. It’s really important to me, and I know it’s what I should be doing—it’s what I want!”
You’ve been there. Every adolescent at one time or another, believes that no one understands them, that life is unfair for them, and that they know best. Because you’ve been there, you know better. Even the most obstinate youth cannot deny the fact that you are more than twice their age, with more than twice the life experience. Don’t let them tell you that ‘things were different’ when you were young. We are still human beings now, as we were 13 years ago, 30 years ago, 300 years ago, and more. Human nature lies unchanged since the fall of man. We are selfish by nature, and that selfishness manifests itself in a real way during early adolescence. That translates to denying the wisdom of our elders. Hopefully this denial is only temporary, and when you stand by your principles even in the face of this adversity, it is genuine proof of your love for your child, and a compelling influence on their choices now and in the future.
Too many parents are worried about being “buddies” to their children; fear offending them or making life “difficult” for them. Which is more difficult? Parenting them properly and with integrity now, or dealing with a lifetime of consequence?
The bottom line is this: You are the Parent. This is your responsibility, your privilege. Your child lacks the maturity to see the full impact of their decisions, and thus should not be making certain choices for themselves. You have been given the wisdom to see the truth.
When you focus on having a right relationship with God, you follow His authority. It is within His will for your children to then follow your authority.
Trust me on one thing: I thank my parents for being my authority—especially when it was the hardest for all of us, because that’s when I needed them the most.
TobyLauren Burgess is WISDOM's Chief Operating Officer and Editor of the WISDOM Family Magazine. She and her husband Jim have 5 children, homeschooling from start to finish. Their eldest graduated in 2021.
Send questions or comments to tobylauren@wisdomhomeschooling.com